migraine

this excruciating, stabbing, nauseating pain in my head is nothing compared to the pain in my heart that comes from longing for you to love me the way that I love you.

I laugh at it's meager attempts to split open my skull when my heart was left broken and bleeding long ago by your indifference. swimming in a sea of agony is mere child's play after months of hopelessly loving you.. and still, I regret nothing.

the magician

it was too late
when I found out
she was made all out of
detonators & plastic explosives
and that I had held her
too close 
for too long
now 
I find myself blown 
into bits
left picking up 
scattered pieces
& holding my heart
in disengaged hands
here is only a ghost 
of a former 
self
nothing
but a trick 
for the eyes
projected thru 
this deep fog
with smoke 
& mirrors.

bah! humbug!

Cindy-Lou Who: Santa, what's the meaning of Christmas?
The Grinch: [bursts through the Christmas tree] VENGEANCE! 
The Grinch: [calmly] I mean. . . presents, I suppose. 

Dharmis, Yogis & Zen

ok so I started a Dharmis, Yogis & Zenists group on Twitter. Not sure how to promote it..

Promoting the Lesbians group was simple enough but this seems a bit different. Perhaps I'll leave it to promote itself and see what happens! Hahaha.. :) Yeah, that sounds about right. Perhaps members will be attracted thru bhutatathata..

Ok, I admit, I am just looking for an excuse to use the word, bhutatathata because that is my favorite word.. :D Let's say it again.. bhutatathata.. bhutatathata.. yay! bhutatathata.. *sigh* Alright, I feel better now.

Hmm.. so where to find other Dharmis? I know they are somewhere out in the ether.. I guess I could start to scrounge Twitter for them, but then what? I have no particular reason for wanting to find them. Just something to play with, I suppose, like this blog post. :P

Oh, but I made the image above for the group then decided against posting it there, so I'm posting it here instead for now.. Nevermind, I just posted the image at the group too.. Hmm.. It was pretty uneventful. It will be nice if the developers improve the capabilities of Twitter Groups.

mandala 001

ok so.. i've noticed that most of my blogging, writing, sentences.. etc seem to start with "ok, so.." anyway, the rest seem to start with "anyway." but none of that is what I intend to blog about today..

I was inspired to make a first attempt at creating a mandala without really knowing what i'm doing here.. so I am posting the result..



also, here is what i've noticed.. since I made the mandala, I have been tempted to compare it to other mandalas, which is a device of ego to attach itself to something. :) silly ego! :P hahaha..

perspective

crucifix | crucible

i'm feeling nailed to this moment like the image of the body of christ nailed to the cross.

i'm draped listless and doubting.. wondering "hast thou forsaken me?" while the prospect of death looms circling overhead like a flock of buzzards spying a fresh new carcass.

even in the wake of new-found love, I am imprisoned in time looking to the next moment for salvation from boundless desires, empty frustrations & reasonless fears.

yet my salvation is only to be found in the life that drips from my wounds as I hang here on this moment suspended in this prison of time.