valve

self-conscious bullshit
pretentious bullshit
soulful bullshit
bald-headed bullshit
sexy bullshit
cool bullshit
give a good gotdamn bullshit
caring bullshit
poetic bullshit
trendy bullshit
loving bullshit
angry bullshit
bullshit bullshit!
f*ck it all.
-ahh.. that's better.

retrograde

i have come to the point now where i can just sense what is happening in the sky above me, or at least more specifically, when mercury goes retrograde. it is only the tinyest of things that makes me question this small planet's orientation.

i can see when the most innocuous statements uttered in a moment of thoughtless oblivion are contorted to mean, G_d-only-knows-what in the mind of the listener. just today when the furnace man came out to replace some small & yet tremendously over-priced circular plastic part, subsequent to his question of "does she bite?" & seeing the fear in his eyes.. i said to him "don't worry, i won't let the dog bite you." he looked at me as if insulted and said, "you won't LET her bite me?!" at which point i could not help but wonder, what did he mean? what could have possibly been offensive in what i said?

then later this evening when responding in writing to a blog post, i realized the vast potential to misconstrue my comments. i saw the potential for coming off cold and cerebral when the intention was to present a spark or a seed of relief, which can probably only be nurtured in the fertile soil of a receptive soul. the seed itself bears no emotion, but has the potential to grow into some flowering or fruit-bearing tree.

well, this is all what prompted me to check and see if mercury was retrograde because it just all had that certain feel to it. lo and behold the little planet started spinning backwards earlier this week! it seems after a point, one just comes to know what it feels like when communication does not flow in the expected direction.

even now i may be lax to write this during such a precarious time for communicating.. but then again, what is the spirit behind this change of direction for the planet that rules communication? here is an opportunity to move in another direction & to try something new from a different perspective.

so now i am noticing that when mercury is retrograde i have the opportunity to think differently about whatever it is that presents itself. i can try not to offend anyone, but it seems kinda inevitable that someone will take offense. at least i can be aware of the myriad of possibilities available with the new direction.

migraine

this excruciating, stabbing, nauseating pain in my head is nothing compared to the pain in my heart that comes from longing for you to love me the way that I love you.

I laugh at it's meager attempts to split open my skull when my heart was left broken and bleeding long ago by your indifference. swimming in a sea of agony is mere child's play after months of hopelessly loving you.. and still, I regret nothing.

the magician

it was too late
when I found out
she was made all out of
detonators & plastic explosives
and that I had held her
too close 
for too long
now 
I find myself blown 
into bits
left picking up 
scattered pieces
& holding my heart
in disengaged hands
here is only a ghost 
of a former 
self
nothing
but a trick 
for the eyes
projected thru 
this deep fog
with smoke 
& mirrors.

crucifix | crucible

i'm feeling nailed to this moment like the image of the body of christ nailed to the cross.

i'm draped listless and doubting.. wondering "hast thou forsaken me?" while the prospect of death looms circling overhead like a flock of buzzards spying a fresh new carcass.

even in the wake of new-found love, I am imprisoned in time looking to the next moment for salvation from boundless desires, empty frustrations & reasonless fears.

yet my salvation is only to be found in the life that drips from my wounds as I hang here on this moment suspended in this prison of time.

In joyful anticipation?

There she sat blithely on the edge of apprehension,
blowing her usual smokescreen out into the world
and feeling thankful for a warm body
to press against the cold morning air. . .

struggle

wtf does this mean? and why am i compelled to write it?

 

flying blind thru faith
on the edge of reason
without a net
and with no regret
pouring my soul
into an unknown whole
and filling it up

my cup runneth over
and i drink
from being
both
here & there
being everywhere
growth

where unseen eyes
peer inside
and finally see
it is she
who is at the core
of my freedom

GotDammit!

Woke up thinking about work. . . WTF does it mean? What do I want to do? I dunno. Wish I did. Short sentences today. Gotta take LGM to St. Stephens. Why? Just took her to CHS Saturday. *sigh* Oh well, guess it doesn't matter. Sent off for PACE sh*t yesterday. :-/ Apparently, I only care about things while I'm doing them; then all interest just falls away. Is that normal? Who cares? WTF is normal anyway, and what's it got to do with me? Yes, I am questioning and answering myself this morning. Yikes! Sometimes I feel a bit panicky inside. *deep breath* Then it goes away. F*ck!F*ck!F*ck! Just free-flow thinking (or not) this morning. Gotdammit! *sigh* OK, am I angry about something? What? No. Just confused. Panicky. Crisis of Faith much? Damn! Gotta walk the dog. F*ck!