Just Jacking Off - Migration

Originally posted on Thursday, 3 July 2003

*When in doubt.. Let Jack help you out..*

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Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? - Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. - Jack Handey

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me. - Jack Handey

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves. - Jack Handey

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail. - Jack Handey

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. - Jack Handey

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. - Jack Handey

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. - Jack Handey

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." - Jack Handey

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." - Jack Handey

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. - Jack Handey

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. - Jack Handey

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend. - Jack Handey

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. - Jack Handey